The fact you posted this at this time is a blessing. For months upon months ive been losing my ability to see the world for what it is, however very recently I’ve noticed things are starting to change for the better. Now i dont think im the smartest person out there but i am very creative and can make connections quite easily, for better or for worse apparently. My point is that I LITERALLY cannot live without synchronicity, like you said you eat and breath it, however i struggle when it comes to actually knowing where to look for meaningful signal and how to connect it back to my life’s narrative, and that is why i say this post is a blessing because youve given me enough information to be able to seperate myself from death, or atleast to get closer to something that isnt death. I wont mindlessly listen to advice, even my own from now on. I realize that i must condition myself to consistently make the right choices if i want to live. I see triple numbers a LOT but ive always had the suspicion that the numbers in themselves arent what matter, rather they are telling me i can make the right choice in the coming moments. Thank you for sharing this story with us, Youre doing Gods work man. For too long the blind have led the blind, maybe things are finally changing.
This post is a godsend. I’ve been following all of your work as closely as I can and there are numerous instances of parallel thinking but this ‘story’ feels eerily similar to an even in my life from two years ago (that actually led me to your work). It’s similar in several ways, some are only broad strokes, but most importantly I think that my experience was an attempted teleological murder. I think now I may actually be somewhat prepared to climb out again.
Funnily enough, it was after this event when I was seemingly at my lowest that I actually began to recognize synchronicity. This could be a a roundabout way of keeping me in the maze, but I have a feeling that my unconscious has woken up in response (I’m here, aren’t I?). Maybe I’m disoriented. I hope to find out soon enough.
Same. This all started for me at the lowest point of my life and then i read about active imagination and was fascinated with the concept, i had no prior spiritual beliefs. I didn't even do anything properly, i just sat down by myself and said "hello?" And then everything started clicking and arranging itself, but i was so oblivious that i screwed up. I was automatically recognized and then neutralized and I didn't even know it had happened. I am pretty sure im dead as we speak, or dangerously close to it. I have barely enough awareness to know im in trouble.
Well the issue is how can "You" resurrect yourself if "You" have lost the ability to percieve the necessary things to even do so. Galahad was able to because if zell, had he not established all these pre requisites he would he another drone rambling about eaoterica thinking he was neo from the matrix, in a neverending loop, a war.
I watched the matrix today and noticed that theme of neos ego being caressed and inflated, the lesson of the movie is literally a twisted and slightly off center version of a vaguely true reality, just real enough to subconsciously delude the foolish and reinforce the ignorant. Its literally designed as a sort of vaccine against constellators, its a small modified dose of the concept designed to make you view it as outlandish and silly. Because it is. I cringed so hard watching the movie. It was like a bad parody of galahad. I could even imagine someone accusing him of basically just thinking he was neo lol.
It seems if you are teleologically weakened or worse, dead, you cannot distinguish these things. Compared to the average person im probably leagues ahead, yet i am barely teleologically active no matter how hard i try. This is extremely concerning. All you "can" do is listen for the "signs" but if your constantly misinterpreting, out of step, you end up either throwing out important constellations or completely mishandling them, which then causes you to overcorrect and throw it out.
The issue as zell seems to be pointing out and what my own anima also pointed out before i lost contact is our "selves." "Know thyself" You need to face your shadow, your ego, become conscious of it at the very least so you recognize your hubris. I remember recently i told galahad on YouTube that the reason i trust him and not most others that talk about similar things is because i get the sense his pride is in check. Its in his name itself, that he is a good man and he is flawed in ways he takes accountability for.
Originally, i was anti Christian. I was full on Luciferic. I was a slave to passion and an empty desire for freedom that became the prison food of my soul. But like a virus, galahads work slowly reprogrammed me and made me become painfully aware. It wasn't pleasant. I would insult him, scorn his god, scorn his obsession with the bible, i was scared. And the fear is warrented. Anyone who isn't afraid i believe is foolish. Fear is wisdom. Uncertainty is something sometimes we gotta endure. Whatever my life was before even if i am dead right now, was worse. So much worse. This was more than i could have hoped for.
I envied him. I envied that he had similar experiences at the same time as me but went farther than me. But im now starting to be more forgiving to myself.
I don't think you could possibly be dead right now based on this level of understanding. At the very least, you're a lot less dead than most. Glad you're here, Cameron! Thank you for really wrestling with this stuff sincerely.
I have read the Puranas, Upanishads, entire Bible, and many Hermetic and Gnostic texts and still struggle to understand constellation or any sort of "manifestation" for that matter.
I am an INTJ and a skeptic by nature, so no matter how much meditation I do I can't seem to get past a certain barrier.
Galagad's pyramid illustration is similar to the teachings of Kundalini rising, yet I struggle to understand how on earth any of it works, how to view the maze from above so to speak.
This is to be expected. There is no way to understand constellation abstractly. It's like driving a car. You can know how the car works under the hood, know how it works from the driver's seat, know the rules of the road and still not be able to drive. It's a very tactile thing.
One of my friends who's very proficient at it does not intellectualize it at all. I can look at what he's doing and I understand it technically, but that side of it is totally optional and he chooses not to bother with it.
Not only is there no way for me to teach you how to drive by talking about it, but there's also no point in knowing anyway unless you're actually going to do it.
Recently before waking from sleeping I saw a vision of a girl in white vividly, surrounded by a black void. I focused on her and her face changed into a blank distortion before waking.
I assume this to be the Anima but am unsure why the signal is so distorted. I have since engaged in active imagination with limited success.
Im Ni Ti personality by jung standards, and i too find the practical side something difficult. Galahad has also mentioned he has very little physical counter balance to the practice. Looks like we'll have to figure it out, idk about you but eastern traditions and kaballah doesn't do it for me. But i think borrowing active imagination from jungian psychology as a central point might be worth experimenting with
Thats not really what I meant. I didn't mean you need to soley rely on someone else. But in this specific situation you are probably going to need help. And I don't think from another human.
I am sorry Galahad if i sound ascetic or too religious in this forum, The Holy Spirit always warns us against the impurity of the prostitute (the spiritual deceiver of mankind, specially men, which you already named it), in Proverbs Chapter 5.
Anyone should give it a read, is blunt and direct regardless of your version.
5- Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave. (Your spiritual death or how you call it Teological Death after being in flesh with her).
And the verse 6, literally describes Jane, ''She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.''
Verse 11- Fate and Aftermath if you continue in her path.
11 At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
While sex may varies in different cultures, sex itself was just an tool for reproduction in the form of Marriage that GOD gave to mankind.
Marriage is more than an ritual, is an pact to give your next generation the path to rectify. (In the OT Hebrew view of the World). Now in the NT, (for gentiles, us people who aren't tied to the 12 tribes genetically). There's a new pact, of your soul and the LOGOS, Christ, the marriage goal. (metaphorically).
This post is loaded! Thank you for making it free to read (I'm poor right now... but I will soon fork the 1 month sub fee over just to read "The Black Goo".)
"Actual “shadow work” is becoming the bully in your own mind who thinks you’re full of shit and too impractical and needs to go outside more and is right for thinking that."
This is so true and critical! I had to write that down and put it somewhere where I'll constantly see it. (You should too, humble Seeker who is reading this comment...)
Anything I think you need to know will always be free. The premium stuff is just deep dives, Q&As and extra supplemental stuff. Glad you enjoyed! Thank you for reading :)
Thanks so much for posting this. Seriously so important. You baited it, and the Artifex played it's hand. Because of that, we have insight, and an amazing story. That's a win in my book.
You are actually so brave for doing this. I would never dare to do anything like that. I think the Artifex would break me and I wouldn’t be able to come back as you did. It’s good that you are warning people to how dangerous this stuff can be. I think you are right about the Artifex encouraging you when you are trying to go against it. It can cause more damage by making you go too far instead of trying to stop you. I think It is trying to pull that kind of trick on a national scale right now.
I look forward to more content. Your videos always are so sweetly timed. Thanks for waiting! It would've been so sad to see what you'd make under those conditions
Everything you say used to make sense but now it feels false and rambling. Nothing connects. Nothing connects in the real world either. Stories have no connection. Archetypes are lost to me. I baited and I got my dream job and now it feels like I’m in a golden trap. A prison of constant wins that feel like I’m reading the wrong book. But I can see it. I can feel it. I know it. But I sleepwalk through it anyway. I’m stuck in a loop in a maze. I need a map. I need a key. I need to break free of this binding. Help.
I've been following your posts from the very beginning - the Contact 2020 video, which I stumbled on occasionally in some absolutely unrelated place. I've mostly looked at your posts as some kind of intellectual entertainment, somehow coinciding with my own experiences, but damn, this post strikes hard.
Sorry for an upcoming wall of loosely coherent text, but I believe I need to share it.
Numbers. They appeared when I got into esoterica in 2005. Or was it 2006? I'm not sure. One summer day I just googled something related to lucid dreaming out of the blue, and went down the rabbit hole. It was euphoric. I suddenly felt very awake, very conscious, and highly agentive. It was like Magician arcana oversaw this entire period. I had neat tools, I used them, I got what I wanted to get, having fun.
Yet, by 2011, when I finished the college and got my diploma, it started to feel stale. My progress stopped, I never reached the things and places I've been told about by my more capable and talented acquaintances... and I found out I have to secure some kind of "normal" lifestyle. Because I felt like I reached my limits, got all I could've with my kind of talent, simultaneously becoming a penniless lonely weirdo. I understood that everything need to change.
And it did change. Numbers stopped occurring to me. I can't say when exactly, but I believe it was around 2014 — when I already had some money, and an office job which had all my attention and energy. Sometimes I felt I'm not going right direction, and I did tried to re-ignite my occult pursuits, but then, suddenly, a person dropped upon me. Girl named Infernal(!). Everything started as an online long-distance relationship when I shown some kindness to her on some chat in a middle of some dumpster fire conflict she started. We met regularly, had vacations together, and goddamn, I'm so happy that we didn't moved in together. She was a goddamn mess. Unstable, vindictive, and abusive. Outright rotten person. She got in conflict with everyone around, and then ran to me for help. And I did helped her. Somewhere deep inside I sincerely hated and despised her, but I did my best to show her my compassion and kindness. It wasn't worth it at all.
It continued for few years, I helped her to finish the college and get a decent job. Then, BANG, she relapsed. She suddenly became much more functional member of society, and I took my chance go get away from her.
Next, I had several years of grim family issues, next — epidemic. I was completely burned out, crushed, hollow inside, grind to dust, aimless and deathly tired. Anything I did felt pointless. No, your Contact 2020 video didn't magically revitalized my soul, but it was something like an omen for what came next. Things started to get genuinely better at this point. It wasn't a resurrectional catharsis, but I somehow managed to get a new hobby, new friends, and in autumn 2022 I moved from my city.
And then, numbers returned. I started to make more conscious decisions about my life, and even though I still live a "normal" lifestyle, with 40-hour working week, I'm bombarded by this (and other) kind of signs. My mind become sharper again, it makes what I call "cognitive leaps" — background info processing with a quality decisions in the resulting output. Weight of the years has disappeared. Even though I do not pursuit occult anymore, and can't even pull my old tricks, I feel awake and agentive again. I did not stopped. I left my country and trying to rebuild my life entirely. It's mostly down-to-earth things by now, boringly "normal" and mundane ones, but I know I should do this.
So, I believe you do not die completely when this thing devour you. If you're alive physically and your mind not broken completely (as in, you are not a mental asylum patient), you regenerate. You just can't become hylic if you was awake at some point of your life. However, you need to keep your fire alight, if you don't want to lose precious years of your life caught in the prison of your hubris, laziness or being kept on leash by this demiurgic mind virus.
I like what that song, The Law, implies about the maze. That would mean the mosaic law was a kind of maze for the jews (living in fear as Paul puts it) and that Jesus was the first successful maze runner.
Also, what was the significance of that tat for you, if i may ask? I understand if you cant disclose in public.
Having finished this story I have a greater appreciation for the black box warning at the start. It felt nearly too dense a meal for what my digestive tract was prepared to assimilate. Triggering an old sense of overwhelm, urgency and convolution of belief and personal psychology run amok. Alas
I'd like to take this opportunity to acknowledge all the elements and characters of my upbringing, including but certainly not limited to mormonism, for the rad (albeit diabolical) set up. I'd like to acknowledge myself in my teens and adulthood for the valiant efforts to endure even as I self destructed in my tinkering with my mind and the machineries of perception. Ignoring support structures, isolating myself and flippantly opening portals of chaos and God only knows what in some misguided attempt to discover the truth, or to regain some belief in my own specialness or wholeness, or to acquire a sense of lost power. Like...I tried, hard, and lost a lot. Might of even broke myself but in other important ways unfucked myself. Or maybe I just traded one type of feeling fucked up for another kind of fucked up that just feels better right now...oof, moving on.
Now it would I seem nothing needs carry much weight except it help me survive, thrive or preserve whatever's left of my cognition, mind and sanity. Do I still want more connection, more truth and a greater sense of accomplishment? Yes, I do. I do not want to leave this life feeling as though I barely tapped my potential to understand and participate in the play. And I'm also over here judging everything against its probability to upset the delicate but hard won sense of stability and progress I've made in a real life practical sense.
This post sits somewhere between incendiary and medicinal for me. Though it's not worth getting hung up on. Better left out in the garden where it can breath and be weathered and laid bare with the seasons, like me. What's good and true will not fundementally be altered or die.
I'm a really weak person, I have had immense struggles in my life and kind of created a self fulfilling cycle of humiliating myself/abusing myself. I know how to get out of it, I for my age 19(as I know because people will tell me commonly) am very knowledgeable about how things work, and am great at helping others. I had an experience with god recently, for the first time even though I was seeking it for years and hopefully that will be the final button to push to get me out of this hell. My main problem is currently, in a sexual form, as well as fear. I was abused sexually quite a few times and also have abused myself in that way, and it takes over me everytime I say I'll do better. I can't start to really improve when I can't even control myself. thanks for this post, many things are pointing me in the right direction right now, but the terrifying evil within me that has festered for so long, only becomes more and more antagonistic. god bless 222
The fact you posted this at this time is a blessing. For months upon months ive been losing my ability to see the world for what it is, however very recently I’ve noticed things are starting to change for the better. Now i dont think im the smartest person out there but i am very creative and can make connections quite easily, for better or for worse apparently. My point is that I LITERALLY cannot live without synchronicity, like you said you eat and breath it, however i struggle when it comes to actually knowing where to look for meaningful signal and how to connect it back to my life’s narrative, and that is why i say this post is a blessing because youve given me enough information to be able to seperate myself from death, or atleast to get closer to something that isnt death. I wont mindlessly listen to advice, even my own from now on. I realize that i must condition myself to consistently make the right choices if i want to live. I see triple numbers a LOT but ive always had the suspicion that the numbers in themselves arent what matter, rather they are telling me i can make the right choice in the coming moments. Thank you for sharing this story with us, Youre doing Gods work man. For too long the blind have led the blind, maybe things are finally changing.
This post is a godsend. I’ve been following all of your work as closely as I can and there are numerous instances of parallel thinking but this ‘story’ feels eerily similar to an even in my life from two years ago (that actually led me to your work). It’s similar in several ways, some are only broad strokes, but most importantly I think that my experience was an attempted teleological murder. I think now I may actually be somewhat prepared to climb out again.
Funnily enough, it was after this event when I was seemingly at my lowest that I actually began to recognize synchronicity. This could be a a roundabout way of keeping me in the maze, but I have a feeling that my unconscious has woken up in response (I’m here, aren’t I?). Maybe I’m disoriented. I hope to find out soon enough.
Same. This all started for me at the lowest point of my life and then i read about active imagination and was fascinated with the concept, i had no prior spiritual beliefs. I didn't even do anything properly, i just sat down by myself and said "hello?" And then everything started clicking and arranging itself, but i was so oblivious that i screwed up. I was automatically recognized and then neutralized and I didn't even know it had happened. I am pretty sure im dead as we speak, or dangerously close to it. I have barely enough awareness to know im in trouble.
Well the issue is how can "You" resurrect yourself if "You" have lost the ability to percieve the necessary things to even do so. Galahad was able to because if zell, had he not established all these pre requisites he would he another drone rambling about eaoterica thinking he was neo from the matrix, in a neverending loop, a war.
I watched the matrix today and noticed that theme of neos ego being caressed and inflated, the lesson of the movie is literally a twisted and slightly off center version of a vaguely true reality, just real enough to subconsciously delude the foolish and reinforce the ignorant. Its literally designed as a sort of vaccine against constellators, its a small modified dose of the concept designed to make you view it as outlandish and silly. Because it is. I cringed so hard watching the movie. It was like a bad parody of galahad. I could even imagine someone accusing him of basically just thinking he was neo lol.
It seems if you are teleologically weakened or worse, dead, you cannot distinguish these things. Compared to the average person im probably leagues ahead, yet i am barely teleologically active no matter how hard i try. This is extremely concerning. All you "can" do is listen for the "signs" but if your constantly misinterpreting, out of step, you end up either throwing out important constellations or completely mishandling them, which then causes you to overcorrect and throw it out.
The issue as zell seems to be pointing out and what my own anima also pointed out before i lost contact is our "selves." "Know thyself" You need to face your shadow, your ego, become conscious of it at the very least so you recognize your hubris. I remember recently i told galahad on YouTube that the reason i trust him and not most others that talk about similar things is because i get the sense his pride is in check. Its in his name itself, that he is a good man and he is flawed in ways he takes accountability for.
Originally, i was anti Christian. I was full on Luciferic. I was a slave to passion and an empty desire for freedom that became the prison food of my soul. But like a virus, galahads work slowly reprogrammed me and made me become painfully aware. It wasn't pleasant. I would insult him, scorn his god, scorn his obsession with the bible, i was scared. And the fear is warrented. Anyone who isn't afraid i believe is foolish. Fear is wisdom. Uncertainty is something sometimes we gotta endure. Whatever my life was before even if i am dead right now, was worse. So much worse. This was more than i could have hoped for.
I envied him. I envied that he had similar experiences at the same time as me but went farther than me. But im now starting to be more forgiving to myself.
I don't think you could possibly be dead right now based on this level of understanding. At the very least, you're a lot less dead than most. Glad you're here, Cameron! Thank you for really wrestling with this stuff sincerely.
I have read the Puranas, Upanishads, entire Bible, and many Hermetic and Gnostic texts and still struggle to understand constellation or any sort of "manifestation" for that matter.
I am an INTJ and a skeptic by nature, so no matter how much meditation I do I can't seem to get past a certain barrier.
Galagad's pyramid illustration is similar to the teachings of Kundalini rising, yet I struggle to understand how on earth any of it works, how to view the maze from above so to speak.
This is to be expected. There is no way to understand constellation abstractly. It's like driving a car. You can know how the car works under the hood, know how it works from the driver's seat, know the rules of the road and still not be able to drive. It's a very tactile thing.
One of my friends who's very proficient at it does not intellectualize it at all. I can look at what he's doing and I understand it technically, but that side of it is totally optional and he chooses not to bother with it.
Not only is there no way for me to teach you how to drive by talking about it, but there's also no point in knowing anyway unless you're actually going to do it.
Is your Anima/Zel a vital part of it?
Recently before waking from sleeping I saw a vision of a girl in white vividly, surrounded by a black void. I focused on her and her face changed into a blank distortion before waking.
I assume this to be the Anima but am unsure why the signal is so distorted. I have since engaged in active imagination with limited success.
Im Ni Ti personality by jung standards, and i too find the practical side something difficult. Galahad has also mentioned he has very little physical counter balance to the practice. Looks like we'll have to figure it out, idk about you but eastern traditions and kaballah doesn't do it for me. But i think borrowing active imagination from jungian psychology as a central point might be worth experimenting with
Thats not really what I meant. I didn't mean you need to soley rely on someone else. But in this specific situation you are probably going to need help. And I don't think from another human.
I am sorry Galahad if i sound ascetic or too religious in this forum, The Holy Spirit always warns us against the impurity of the prostitute (the spiritual deceiver of mankind, specially men, which you already named it), in Proverbs Chapter 5.
Anyone should give it a read, is blunt and direct regardless of your version.
5- Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave. (Your spiritual death or how you call it Teological Death after being in flesh with her).
And the verse 6, literally describes Jane, ''She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.''
Verse 11- Fate and Aftermath if you continue in her path.
11 At the end of your life you will groan,
when your flesh and body are spent.
While sex may varies in different cultures, sex itself was just an tool for reproduction in the form of Marriage that GOD gave to mankind.
Marriage is more than an ritual, is an pact to give your next generation the path to rectify. (In the OT Hebrew view of the World). Now in the NT, (for gentiles, us people who aren't tied to the 12 tribes genetically). There's a new pact, of your soul and the LOGOS, Christ, the marriage goal. (metaphorically).
Also keep in mind the words of the Christ speaking of those born of God, "for his seed remains in him".
This post is loaded! Thank you for making it free to read (I'm poor right now... but I will soon fork the 1 month sub fee over just to read "The Black Goo".)
"Actual “shadow work” is becoming the bully in your own mind who thinks you’re full of shit and too impractical and needs to go outside more and is right for thinking that."
This is so true and critical! I had to write that down and put it somewhere where I'll constantly see it. (You should too, humble Seeker who is reading this comment...)
Anything I think you need to know will always be free. The premium stuff is just deep dives, Q&As and extra supplemental stuff. Glad you enjoyed! Thank you for reading :)
Thanks so much for posting this. Seriously so important. You baited it, and the Artifex played it's hand. Because of that, we have insight, and an amazing story. That's a win in my book.
You are actually so brave for doing this. I would never dare to do anything like that. I think the Artifex would break me and I wouldn’t be able to come back as you did. It’s good that you are warning people to how dangerous this stuff can be. I think you are right about the Artifex encouraging you when you are trying to go against it. It can cause more damage by making you go too far instead of trying to stop you. I think It is trying to pull that kind of trick on a national scale right now.
I look forward to more content. Your videos always are so sweetly timed. Thanks for waiting! It would've been so sad to see what you'd make under those conditions
You are a "metaphysical biologist", Eridanus.
This feels like biology.
You are observing the movements of a type of lifeform that exists in another dimension.
How it responds to provocation and such.
Whenever I read/consume anything you create I get this sense of sensitivity and fragility.
This work is extremely sensitive, you are walking on a tightrope.
I'm glad that you were chosen to do this, I believe I would have fallen off by now.
God bless you man, I mean I that from the bottom of my heart, whatever this thing you are doing is, I want you to succeed.
I've been thinkin about this artifex and i'm incredibly grateful for your experiment. it shed much clarity.
Everything you say used to make sense but now it feels false and rambling. Nothing connects. Nothing connects in the real world either. Stories have no connection. Archetypes are lost to me. I baited and I got my dream job and now it feels like I’m in a golden trap. A prison of constant wins that feel like I’m reading the wrong book. But I can see it. I can feel it. I know it. But I sleepwalk through it anyway. I’m stuck in a loop in a maze. I need a map. I need a key. I need to break free of this binding. Help.
I've been following your posts from the very beginning - the Contact 2020 video, which I stumbled on occasionally in some absolutely unrelated place. I've mostly looked at your posts as some kind of intellectual entertainment, somehow coinciding with my own experiences, but damn, this post strikes hard.
Sorry for an upcoming wall of loosely coherent text, but I believe I need to share it.
Numbers. They appeared when I got into esoterica in 2005. Or was it 2006? I'm not sure. One summer day I just googled something related to lucid dreaming out of the blue, and went down the rabbit hole. It was euphoric. I suddenly felt very awake, very conscious, and highly agentive. It was like Magician arcana oversaw this entire period. I had neat tools, I used them, I got what I wanted to get, having fun.
Yet, by 2011, when I finished the college and got my diploma, it started to feel stale. My progress stopped, I never reached the things and places I've been told about by my more capable and talented acquaintances... and I found out I have to secure some kind of "normal" lifestyle. Because I felt like I reached my limits, got all I could've with my kind of talent, simultaneously becoming a penniless lonely weirdo. I understood that everything need to change.
And it did change. Numbers stopped occurring to me. I can't say when exactly, but I believe it was around 2014 — when I already had some money, and an office job which had all my attention and energy. Sometimes I felt I'm not going right direction, and I did tried to re-ignite my occult pursuits, but then, suddenly, a person dropped upon me. Girl named Infernal(!). Everything started as an online long-distance relationship when I shown some kindness to her on some chat in a middle of some dumpster fire conflict she started. We met regularly, had vacations together, and goddamn, I'm so happy that we didn't moved in together. She was a goddamn mess. Unstable, vindictive, and abusive. Outright rotten person. She got in conflict with everyone around, and then ran to me for help. And I did helped her. Somewhere deep inside I sincerely hated and despised her, but I did my best to show her my compassion and kindness. It wasn't worth it at all.
It continued for few years, I helped her to finish the college and get a decent job. Then, BANG, she relapsed. She suddenly became much more functional member of society, and I took my chance go get away from her.
Next, I had several years of grim family issues, next — epidemic. I was completely burned out, crushed, hollow inside, grind to dust, aimless and deathly tired. Anything I did felt pointless. No, your Contact 2020 video didn't magically revitalized my soul, but it was something like an omen for what came next. Things started to get genuinely better at this point. It wasn't a resurrectional catharsis, but I somehow managed to get a new hobby, new friends, and in autumn 2022 I moved from my city.
And then, numbers returned. I started to make more conscious decisions about my life, and even though I still live a "normal" lifestyle, with 40-hour working week, I'm bombarded by this (and other) kind of signs. My mind become sharper again, it makes what I call "cognitive leaps" — background info processing with a quality decisions in the resulting output. Weight of the years has disappeared. Even though I do not pursuit occult anymore, and can't even pull my old tricks, I feel awake and agentive again. I did not stopped. I left my country and trying to rebuild my life entirely. It's mostly down-to-earth things by now, boringly "normal" and mundane ones, but I know I should do this.
So, I believe you do not die completely when this thing devour you. If you're alive physically and your mind not broken completely (as in, you are not a mental asylum patient), you regenerate. You just can't become hylic if you was awake at some point of your life. However, you need to keep your fire alight, if you don't want to lose precious years of your life caught in the prison of your hubris, laziness or being kept on leash by this demiurgic mind virus.
I like what that song, The Law, implies about the maze. That would mean the mosaic law was a kind of maze for the jews (living in fear as Paul puts it) and that Jesus was the first successful maze runner.
Also, what was the significance of that tat for you, if i may ask? I understand if you cant disclose in public.
How are you texting if you said you didn’t have a phone?
I've mentioned in a couple places that I have a flip phone now, but I've never really broadcasted that. Good catch.
Was a compromise I made with my parents when I moved farther away from them.
What kind of flip phone?
It's a ZTE Cymbal
Having finished this story I have a greater appreciation for the black box warning at the start. It felt nearly too dense a meal for what my digestive tract was prepared to assimilate. Triggering an old sense of overwhelm, urgency and convolution of belief and personal psychology run amok. Alas
I'd like to take this opportunity to acknowledge all the elements and characters of my upbringing, including but certainly not limited to mormonism, for the rad (albeit diabolical) set up. I'd like to acknowledge myself in my teens and adulthood for the valiant efforts to endure even as I self destructed in my tinkering with my mind and the machineries of perception. Ignoring support structures, isolating myself and flippantly opening portals of chaos and God only knows what in some misguided attempt to discover the truth, or to regain some belief in my own specialness or wholeness, or to acquire a sense of lost power. Like...I tried, hard, and lost a lot. Might of even broke myself but in other important ways unfucked myself. Or maybe I just traded one type of feeling fucked up for another kind of fucked up that just feels better right now...oof, moving on.
Now it would I seem nothing needs carry much weight except it help me survive, thrive or preserve whatever's left of my cognition, mind and sanity. Do I still want more connection, more truth and a greater sense of accomplishment? Yes, I do. I do not want to leave this life feeling as though I barely tapped my potential to understand and participate in the play. And I'm also over here judging everything against its probability to upset the delicate but hard won sense of stability and progress I've made in a real life practical sense.
This post sits somewhere between incendiary and medicinal for me. Though it's not worth getting hung up on. Better left out in the garden where it can breath and be weathered and laid bare with the seasons, like me. What's good and true will not fundementally be altered or die.
I have been trying to wakeup for a while now
I'm a really weak person, I have had immense struggles in my life and kind of created a self fulfilling cycle of humiliating myself/abusing myself. I know how to get out of it, I for my age 19(as I know because people will tell me commonly) am very knowledgeable about how things work, and am great at helping others. I had an experience with god recently, for the first time even though I was seeking it for years and hopefully that will be the final button to push to get me out of this hell. My main problem is currently, in a sexual form, as well as fear. I was abused sexually quite a few times and also have abused myself in that way, and it takes over me everytime I say I'll do better. I can't start to really improve when I can't even control myself. thanks for this post, many things are pointing me in the right direction right now, but the terrifying evil within me that has festered for so long, only becomes more and more antagonistic. god bless 222
You should listen to Bladees album Cold Visions with the lyrics on, I think he’s a flagrant thanatoid and sounds like it takes one to know one
sucks because he's had moments of brilliance, but he's definitely going down a very bad path
glad i dont listen to that shit anymore